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In a sea of faces//In a sea of doubt

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5/20/25 11:03 pm - friends only.


this journal is 98% friends only

comment here to be added.

(um, i add pretty much everyone :))

♥
i've moved over to [info]empiredownx 
add me there :)

Current Music: interpol

5/18/08 02:40 pm


1956-1980
restinpeaceiancurtis


i had a whole entry written here but none of it had any point...i'm just sick of being a round peg in a square hole.
Current Music: joy division "atrocity exhibition"
Current Mood: blank

5/4/08 01:55 pm

In a sea of faces, in a sea of doubt
In this cruel place your voice above the maelstrom
In the wake of this ship of fools I'm falling further down
If you can see me, Marian, reach out and take me home

I hear you calling Marian
Across the water, across the wave
I hear you calling Marian
Can you hear me calling you to
Save me, save me, save me from the
Grave...
Marian

Marian, there's a weight above me
And the pressure is all too strong
To breathe deep
Breathe long and hard
To take the water down and go to sleep
To sink still further
Beneath the fatal wave
Marian I think I'm drowning
This sea is killing me

I hear you calling Marian...

Was ich kann und was ich könnte
(What I can do and what I could do)
Weiss ich gar nicht mehr
(I just don't know anymore)
Gib mir wieder etwas schönes
(Give me something beautiful again)
Zieh mich aus dem Meer
(Drag me from the sea)
Ich höre dich rufen, Marian
(I hear you calling Marian)
Kannst du mich schreien hören
(Can you hear me screaming?)
Ich bin hier allein
(I am here alone)
Ich höre dich rufen, Marian
(I hear you calling Marian)
Ohne deine hilfe verliere ich mich in diesem Ort
(Without your help I am lost in this place)
Current Music: "Marian" - The Sisters of Mercy

3/8/08 04:32 pm

today is one of those days where i can't believe how self-centered i've become.
i need to reevaluate.

bbl;;;
Current Music: "cities in dust"-siouxsie and the banshees
Current Mood: blank

2/20/08 06:03 pm - do ya think i'm sexy



i do, Colin, i do.

i don't hate pride and prejudice anymore....thank you pbs.
Current Music: rod stewart
Current Mood: chill

2/2/08 02:34 pm



I think positivity is over-rated, but in the spirit of productivity, have a nice afternoon, chaps.

(those paintings are by Mala Iqbal, by the way.)

Also, I hope your health is good. Everybody has the flu these days--wash your hands kids!
Current Music: random 70s music
Current Mood: morbid

1/5/08 07:13 pm - mmeemmee

ok i promise i will start my hw soon
but i feel like procrastinating right now
so let's do a fun meme i found

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line/lyrics from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game, do it (if you do it just comment with your songs in this post)

1. At ten past nine, a feeling that's hard to define / I pass you by and wonder what you have to hide
2. The day you move I'm probably going to explode, it's true, I'm probably going to explo-o-o-o-ode Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt--We Are Scientists
3. I didn't hear what you were saying, I live on raw emotion baby / I answer questions never, maybe, and I'm not kind if you betray me Wake Up Call--Maroon 5
4. Yesterday I got so old I thought that I could die / Yesterday I got so old it made me want to cry In Between Days--The Cure
5. Oops, there goes my shirt, up over my head, oh my Oops, Oh My--Ladytron (Tweet cover)
6. Floating the room/ Two by two/ From the womb/ To the holiday
7. Now I know that I can't make you stay, but where's your heart? but where's your heart? but where's your...
8. He left no time to regret, kept his dick wet, with his same old safe bet
9. You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you Don't You Want Me--Human League
10. People will be people when they hear this sound that's been glowing in the dark at the edge of town
11. I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated, I wanna break the spell that you've created Time is Running Out--Muse
12. Saw you on the urchin side from under the boat / saw you making knots, saw you get the rope A Time to be So Small--Interpol
13. Let me out, let me out, I am suffocating I can't live without this all behind me
14. Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside Without Me--Eminem
15. She says it helps with the lights out / her rabid glow is like braille to the night Leif Erikson--Interpol
16. I was livin' in a devil town / Didn't know it was a devil town / Oh lord it really brings me down 'bout the devil town Devil Town--Bright Eyes (cover of Daniel Johnston)
17. A friend in need's a friend indeed / a friend with weed is better Pure Morning--Placebo
18. Every night my dream's the same / Same old city with a different name
19. All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces Mad World--Tears for Fears
20. She's a special kind you know, the kind I'd like to see / hanging on a wall, watching me cross the streets
21. Blood red lips traced with a tongue they shine, cut through a crowded room / a look can say a lot sometimes so I take all my past attractions and project on you Written in Blood--She Wants Revenge
22. Thatthatthat that don't kill me / can only make me stronger Stronger--Kanye
23. I'm so tired of this, it brings me down / I'm nothing when you're not around
24. How do you preach the word if you don't know how to read? / Well they hold your soul once you sign the deed Jesus for the Jugular--The Veils
25. It took too long it took too long it took too long for you to call back, and normally I would just forget that, except for the fact it was my birthday, my stupid birthday :( Potential Break Up Song--Aly & Aj

lol I don't think they will all get guessed
but oh well
okay! time to get to work and get some food and all of that nice stuff.
au revoir, mes amis.
Current Music: interpol "length of love"
Current Mood: boredfgghjkl;

11/3/07 12:36 am - c'est pathetique

oh well.
my favorite number!

( survey/seven )
Current Mood: tired but not really

10/24/07 03:07 pm - why do i smile at people who i'd much rather kick in the eye?

the smiths make me so happy. i know that sounds weird because their lyrics (go love morrissey) are so...depressive, but a lot of them are kindof funny too. i love "girlfriend in a coma". i was obsessed with that song last spring, i kept singing it to erin and she hated it. oh well. but the music itself is so happy-sounding to me. it just makes me think of sunshine and rainbows and warm memories of walking around to meet friends at the park or the store. maybe it's morrissey's voice, which sounds kindof dazed and dreamy but also extremely expressive and how it meshes with the songs, or the high pitch of the guitars, or the catchiness. who knowwwws.
haha. :)

but anyway. happy music. i'm trying to be positive lately.
we are talking about depression and suicide in my health class at the moment and it's weird because this stuff is all too familiar. it's sad how familiar, actually. it's sad that my friends and i are all so fucked up and so young!
i can't really feel angry about it right now though. it's peculiar. i'm hoping that having positive vibes will rub off on other people.

i was chosen at random to be in the fall fashion show this weekend, which the moms' club at school holds yearly. i hope the clothes they pick for me are cute. and i hope there are no stilettos! i can barely walk in those things, i'm afraid i'll either fall over or spend the entire time walking looking at my feet and therefore looking stupid. or my hair will look like crap like usual. or my posture will be bad. ewwww.

i love autumn so much, honestly. it's the last warmth of the year and i like to savor that...autumn has a mood of its own. i love noticing the nights getting longer and the layers getting thicker, and the leaves covering the sidewalk so that each step is like dancing on some subtly colored rainbow. i like all the high school events that happen in fall. i like just enjoying it all, really. i love nature. i probably say that a lot but honestly, i just love it. i feel so connected to it.

anyway. i sound like a big old hippie right now. i've got some homework to do, some plans to make, and hopefully i'll find something actually productive to do besides that. then there's school...omg no british literature classes for the next two days! yesss! i can't stand my teacher. i digress, i hope you're all doing reasonably well, even though i know some of you aren't :/
have a good evening :) much love to all of you.
Current Music: the smiths (singles album)
Current Mood: content

10/2/07 09:20 pm - an assemblage of random thoughts/a question


a. Goat and horse eyes are the weirdest things in the world.
They look so incredibly creepy. Their pupils are shaped like horizontal rectangular bars, they aren't round like with most animals. I never knew that before my trip last July, when we randomly stopped at this petting zoo and we fed some goats up close and I saw their eyes and was truly mind-boggled. I just thought of it randomly. It's so bizarre, and I don't know why they astonish me so much, but they do.

b. Shittttt. Two tests tomorrow that I barely knew about. Yeaahhhh. Plus a French assignment I should have done days ago but didn't and now I've got to write the whole thing now. It's going to suck so badly. Same thing with my British literature homework. I'm awesome.

c. People keep borrowing my pencils and not giving them back and it hurts my feelings. :(

d. Poor Britney. But actually, not poor Britney. Or not. I don't know why I care so much about this broad. Her life is just so sad, I dunno, I want to like, get her to fly to some random place on the other side of the world and start a new life away from all the ridiculousness of California media. She should come to Detroit! Hahaha. Or no, Norway. Haha. Um, Iceland? She can be next door neighbors with Bjork. Yes.
Same with Pete Doherty! I don't even listen to the Libertines or Babyshambles but I'm like, in love with Pete. I want him to get better and drop the druggggs. I sound ridiculous but really I just spend too much time on [info]ohnotheydidnt.

e. I have no idea whatsoever as to what to do for a Halloween costume this year. Any suggestions? I had a really awesome costume last year, so I don't want to do something generic and unexciting this year. I'm looking at Donnie Darko costumes (Frank the Bunny ftw!) but they are all like $300 so that's not really an option. What a mild dilemma.

f. Woohoo for having a free hour in school every morning now! Maybe Angie doesn't like it but I love having the time off, it makes things so much easier for me.
Current Music: corey hart "i wear my sunglasses at night"
Current Mood: a little overwhelmed

8/31/07 06:53 am

I really, really desperately miss the way with words I feel like I had when I was younger.
Everything flowed out of me like the pen or whatever was a direct link to my soul and now it's all so forced. My teachers might say I write well but personal writing and mandatory writing are two completely different things.
Everything is so contrived now.
My mind is not fertile and ripe with stories and ideas and properly worded thoughts; I don't hear my thoughts anymore, I see them, and it is nowhere near as easy to express visual feeling as it is to write it exactly as it is.
It's even hard explaining here, in casual English.
Something happened in my brain that just made everything about me that I felt was strong and fast and able begin to deteriorate into mush and raw, un-cultivate-able earth. The soil in my brain is weeded with cheesy metaphors and thoughtlessly worded sentences, like comparing talent to farming, for example.
I hate this. Where did I go?
I pray this is just a creative drought.
Current Mood: frustrated

8/28/07 12:02 am

Poo @ the new Interpol video.
Poo @ there being only one week and one day left before school begins.
Poo @ not going shopping.
Poo @ awkward conversations.
Poo @ my parents stressing me out over getting rides to school.
Poo @ repeating Algebra 1.
Poo @ that horrible "Curse of the Zodiac" movie. Seriously, DON'T watch it under any circumstances.
Poo @ nasty goff black nailpolish that I'm too lazy to remove.
Poo @ a dentist appointment in two weeks, where I'll probably get more crooked fillings that look totally unnatural upclose.
Poo @ in-law family.
Actually poo @ blood family too. They didn't even send me anything on my birthday! fuck that. Is it because I didn't send a thank you card last Christmas (when I fortunately did not have to see them)?
:(
Oh, and poo @ bruises from new shoes.

Blahhh. That's a lot of poo. :(
Current Music: interpol "pioneer to the falls"
Current Mood: annoyed

8/24/07 04:06 am - blablabla yet another random entry that has nothing to do with anything & is just what's on my mind

Reservoir Dogs=
one of my new favorite films.

Tomorrow I think I'll watch Sin City. Either that or Goodfellas.
I don't know what it is, but I'm so obsessed with gangster-type flicks lately.
The characters are almost always really fascinating and I don't have as much of an aversion to violence as I used to...on some level I might think being able to handle it makes me "tough". Okay not really. It's just all strangely interesting.

I had a couple of dreams last night involving frosting cake with my sister and going back to school and having conversations about summer with people. They were surprisingly straightforward, which is quite unusual.

I feel like I need to go on a diet for some reason. I've been overeating compulsively lately and it's really unhealthy.
Yes yes I'm thin and all that cal, but regardless of weight, sitting around the house and eating literally all day long is a poor decision.
I'm trying to figure out some good things I can do to exercise but given my lack of discipline, skill and interest I don't want to do any sports, so....? Hmph.

Oh shooot. I still need to email that boy Mike. Eeek. I hope he doesn't think I'm ignoring him. I just don't know what to say. Yowzerz.

Actually I have a lot of things I need to get done but most of them rest in the hands of my parents, and so it's getting really frustrating due to monetary and time constrictions. It's times like these that I can't wait to be on my own, but I realize that it's going to be even harder then. :P

Blahhh. Okay on another random note, I really want these:




You know, people give The Horrors so much crap about being a fashion band, but without fashion bands we wouldn't have cute, skinny pseudo-goth boys to admire, and fun noisy guitar/organ music to dance to. I salute you, Horrors. It's so weird that I still haven't bought their album. :P

Oh, I still don't have the Ratatat album yet, either. Grr! They're so good. They do really fantastic remixes too, one being a song called "We Share Our Mother's Health" by the wonderful electronic band The Knife. You should all go listen to both the original and the remix, very different but both very cool.

I have a feeling this entry is too long for anyone to want to bother reading but pfft, it's not really important to me right now. Oh, I painted my nails black instead of red, which is kinda weird. They look really witchy and weird especially considering that I'm a little tanner. Somehow I like it, though.
Oh, and lol @ Lindsay Lohan. Darn celebrities and their two-hour jail service.
Okay. It's four in the morning and I promised myself I wouldn't stay up til like, five again, although I don't see that promise being followed through with. I'll stop babbling now. Goo-night.
Yes, goo-night, without a D.

8/20/07 10:51 pm

I met a nice boy at CC on Friday. His name is Mike. He's weird and funny and tall and lanky. He's only a freshman. Gasp!

I saw a lot of familiar people and had a lot of incredibly awkward hellos with them, having been caught off guard because I somehow forgot that there would be a lot of people there that were familiar.

I read a bunch of song lyrics that I wrote in 8th grade last night. Some of them were pitiful but some of them were quite decent. I haven't written anything good in the last year in any regard; stories, poems, whatever. I was so creative when I was grieving. It's weird.

Angie told me upon my asking that if I successfully improved my grades and was able to handle it, I could begin driver's ed sometime this year. At least now I have a real incentive. I'm excited.

I love "The Hills", I'm not going to lie. It satisfies this nosy need of mine to know what's going on in other people's lives. Seriously, this show is awesome. I'm getting so wrapped into it, like I was with the OC, haha.

Oh yeah, if I saw you on Friday and said something very stupid, my apologies. I don't know why but every time I'm thrust into a social situation I totally lose myself and my mind goes blank and my mentality changes. It's something that I am trying to change. It's all about control.

I'm content with myself though. For once I have an idea of how to move toward all the things I want, that method being control itself. In my freshman year I allowed my emotions and convenience to control me, and that is no healthy way to live. I am developing control as a skill. When my emotions become too much for me to handle, I know how to put a lid on them now. When I want something, I am taking control and doing what I have to do to get it. I'm growing, and I'm extremely pleased about it.

I had a decent weekend and I saw a lot of great people and met a lot of great people. I'm ecstatic about it.
Current Music: white rabbits "kid on my shoulder"
Current Mood: rejuvenated

8/12/07 07:57 pm - "did we just carjack someone?" "we sure did, brian. we sure did."

I took from [info]linnsometimes  :)

( Extremely long survey. Blahhh. )
Current Mood: bored

8/8/07 02:43 am - suggestions, please!

Okay.
A. So last night (or tonight?) I just went out to an advance screening of Superbad.
Basically, if you like somewhat crude and often sexual humor with a touch of heartfelt-ness, plus Michael Cera--you know, adorable little George Michael from Arrested Development--you'll like it. It's a film by Judd Apatow, same guy who did The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up, which was actually a really good movie in my opinion, despite the blunt name.
So um, go see it?
Yeah.

B. Um not much else to report. I keep staying up to unholy hours and writing really bad tangent poetry, although I like it; I wrote one that was kindof an abstract song about a parent watching their child rebel despite their self-righteous efforts to control them. Isn't that how most parents operate though? ;]  I also did a bunch of little drawings in pen of hipster-looking people, I think they're pretty good. I also drew a picture on canvas that I intend to paint tomorrow or soon after--it's cool, I'll scan or take a photo or something when it's done.

C. Does anyone have any new bands I should look at? I'm getting so bored of almost everything I'm into, especially dance music, which is a shame because dance music is something I adore. Lately though, I like these songs by the Cribs a lot. And White Rabbits. I have this Spoon song on my iPod now too that I like. Lots of pop-rock that I would have hated a year-and-a-half ago, too. Ehhh. I'm so boring. But anyway, just name any random band (or bands), I'll give them a look. Just nothing too twee, maybe?
Current Music: the cribs "hey scenesters!"

7/29/07 03:06 am - I had the...

Best night
of my entire life

No kidding.
I didn't want it to end.
I wore my little bolo tie, I felt special.
Carlos kinda looked out at the audience and grinned a few times and did this weird as heck thing where he lifted his bass over his back and kept playing it, haha.
Paul is a handsome devil. He totally smiled out loud during "Not Even Jail", it was lovely. It was really cute when he said "thank you, you guys are great" every time...very coy, but I got it.
I think I may have made a convert of my brother but I don't know. He said he liked it. I'm happy about it.
This has been just a kick ass week in every way, I'm so sad it has to end.
I want Interpol to come back. I want to go up to the stage and scream "Marry me Carlos!"
If I had been closer, I would have. My brother would never have let it go.
I'm kinda glad it was just him and me, I like spending time with him. He's a cool, cool guy. If I had brought a friend I would have been distracted--not in a bad way, just, I would have. It was cool. Just me, my brother, and Interpol, and a sea of other faces all projecting their kinky energies on them.
Heh. At least I know I was.
I was like the youngest person there, no kidding. All college age kids and adults. I liked it though, there weren't really any of the stupid kinds of kids you're more likely to see at arena shows, no offense.
We walked to Greektown after the show and got food at the Panthenon (sp?). It was good.
Calla, the opening band, was good too. Very orchestral, very cool.
I'm going to burn a cd of Interpol for my sister because she told me to because she just realized she has never heard an Interpol song. So I'm going to. I'm happy about it.
I bought two teeshirts too, how nifty is that?
AND they played "The Scale", "TYOAC", and "Evil". Oh, and the bass was SO prominent in "The Heinrich Maneuver". It was so nice.

In short, this is such a boring post, but I don't want to go on and on for days.
I had the most amazing night I could have really hoped for.
Oh, and two nice gents kinda flirted with me. It was cute. Heh, boosted my ego a bit.
Anyway, I'm off to bed soon....my sister is taking me out for breakfast. I finally asked her about the hair dying thing btw, and she said "we'll see" and that if I did it, she wanted me to get it done in a salon, which would be nice. So uhh yeah.
Goodnight mes cheries. I love you. :)
Current Mood: happy

7/28/07 06:20 pm - omg.

The doors open in about an hour.
I'm leaving soon.
I am about to die out of excitement.
Like, my heart is beating so fast. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. o0o0o0o.

Okay. I hope you all have a good night. I think I will.


ps I get to see Paul Banks! Ahhh!!!!!
Current Mood: enthralled

7/26/07 12:22 am

I am home.

My tv is coming back and while I was gone, my family bought a new 42 inch or something, It's a flatscreen with high-def. It's really weird but awesome.

I have to wonder where all this money is coming from. First, some stupid overpriced vacuum, then this. It's odd.

The Interpol concert is on Saturday, I am going to die inside. I can't wait.
I don't know what to wear.
I bought a bolo tie because I thought it was awesome in South Dakota, and I was planning on wearing it to the show in honor of their bassist's new style, harhar, but then I thought, if I do that, I will look like such a silly fangirl.
Hmmm.
I mean, I am, to a degree, a silly fangirl, but I don't want people to know that. :P
Haha, I love how this is such a big deal to me.
I don't feel like describing my trip in detail but I am glad to be home. I had a great time but I really need a couple of days to myself. I'm pretty content with things right now.

I had some revelations while in the car on Monday or Tuesday after seeing that car accident. Life is going to change here on out. The person I have been is dying, someone new and better and more honest is going to take her place now. It's all so exciting.
Current Music: "if i never see your face again" maroon 5
Current Mood: tired

7/22/07 05:06 am - i came to fight i am in the air.

This week
  • I saw the most beautiful sunset I have ever laid eyes upon, some sort of gradient mystical looking flame dancing upon a pale, ice blue lake (Lake Michigan) while listening to "The Lighthouse". It was perfect. A perfect sound for a perfect sunset in a perfect peace.
  • I sat in the car for about two and a half days.
  • I saw more cows than I ever realized existed within three states.
  • I posed while sitting on top of a plaster dinosaur.
  • I was serenaded and also lectured about eating meat by Moriah's second cousin, whose sixteen-year-old daughter doesn't really want to talk to us.
  • I saw fields of wheat that looked more like shimmering golden rivers than crops.
  • I decided that I want to come up to these swerving ashen mountains every summer for the rest of my life. It's not going to happen, but I wish it would.
  • I also decided that Paul Banks is the most finely designed human on the face of the planet, and Moriah's fangirlish ways are rubbing off on me, except Mr. Banks is way better looking than Pete Wentz. I wonder if Interpol is going to become like, super popular now that they have an album that debuted in the top 20 in 15 countries. hmmm.
  • I stuffed my face with chicken and generic restaurant food and wasted money on a shitload of candy and three uber-ghetto-looking gold chains. I love them. I might buy a black cowboy hat but it's a bit expensive and I can't decide if I should or not. I also almost bought a bolo tie but Moriah told me she could get one for me from her Mexican grandfather for free. Dear lord I am turning into a damn cowboy (girl). Haha.
We are going to Mt. Rushmore tomorrow and I'm absolutely enthralled. We are going to leave at some point on Monday.
Oh, and I got a fucking polkadot tan on my feet because of my stupidly-shaped flats and forgetfulness to put sunblock on my feet. Niiice.
I hope you are all having a pleasant week. :) I know I am.
Current Music: Interpol "Who Do You Think?"
Current Mood: content
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